October

October used to be an insignificant month to me. A few family birthdays, Halloween and leaves changing color. It didn't spark any emotions, it was just...October. Another month. One step closer to Christmas and a New Year. That isn't true anymore. I don't like October, at all. In 2004 my car was stolen. This isn't a reason to hate the month, right? I mean it was just a car. A car we got back. But I felt violated and never did like my car again after that.

We lived in blissful ignorance until October of 2006 when Robert passed away. Shot. By a friend. Who needs friends like that? So, life continued. Without Robert. We managed, with help, to keep our family together and keep moving forward. Now, October sucks. I hate October. There's nothing good in October. And I am not a kid anymore and do not care about Halloween. Sure, I pretend .. and I buy my kids costumes and walk around in the freezing cold to trick or treat. But the whole time I am thinking of how cold I am and how much I don't like October. But, we dredge on, as a family. A family who is forever crapped on, by October.

We went to the cemetery today. To leave flowers. There were a lot of people at the grave. We aren't there for social hour and couldn't bring ourselves to go there. We parked a ways away and waited. They didn't look like they were leaving. Blankets on the ground, hanging out and visiting. Some people were eating. Our grief is private. We returned home, we'll go see him tomorrow. Three years today. Seems so long ago, its seems like a different life time. I miss him.

Carlos reminds me a lot of him. Funny, sweet, and bad .. just rotten. Julian looks so much like him. I wish the boys still had him.

October came in 2007 with no real bad things happening. Nothing other than remembering everything that had happened to us in past Octobers. Feelings of not being able to believe a year had gone by already since Robert passed. But, we are a family who perseveres and we move on. Again.

October 2008 our house is broken into and we are cleaned out. Thousands of dollars .. gone. I see a pattern. October in even years suck the most. But, we act as though we are not bothered by this break in, in front of Julian, as to make him feel safe. Behind closed doors I tell Bruno how much life sucks. How I am sick of everything bad happening to us. How I am just done. I am so over all of the bad crap that happens. I'm bothered that someone came into my house, touched my stuff, and stole things not only from us but from our child. I felt violated, again.

I felt pretty safe with this October rolling in. I mean it is an odd year and all. But on the 1st we buried my grandma. I miss her. My boys are without their nana. I hope they will remember her and how much she loved them.

October sucks. I wonder what October 2010 has in store for us. Hopefully the pattern will be broken.